The Armchair Detective Down the Avenues and Alleyways: Series Four Read online

  TRENCH: I think it’s Ley. The slight breeze is doing us a favour. If we listen, we might just be able to hear what they’re saying.

  FINLEY: (From a distance.) Last time we sold you Skull, I warned you Ley, not to come near the Centre – it’s too dangerous.

  LEY: Oh, come on, all the druggies in Downtown know that the supply of Skank centres around the Centre.

  FINLEY: All right, if you really want more Skank, keep a low profile and go – we will find you sooner than you think with you-know-what.

  LEY: I’ll be waiting. (He starts to shuffle off.)

  (Just then, the metal shutters moan and groan as they open. A small van drives into view. We hear the reversing beeps for a moment. It then stops by the now open door.)

  TRENCH: The delivery, at last.

  DEBSY: But, of what?

  TRENCH: I think I’ll go and ask the van driver.

  DEBSY: You’re not serious? You are serious.

  TRENCH: I still have my official Centre Assistant identification, so he may just tell me.

  (We hear TRENCH walk up to the van and knock on the window. The DRIVER winds his window down.)

  DRIVER: Who are you?

  TRENCH: Here’s my I.D. (There’s a rummage as TRENCH shows the DRIVER his identification.) I need to see the inventory of items to be delivered.

  DRIVER: As you wish.

  (The DRIVER passes TRENCH a crumpled up piece of paper. TRENCH un-crumples it.)

  TRENCH: Obliged. (TRENCH studies the list.) Interesting, very interesting…

  Where a man has to choose which side he’s on. Which way he rambles. Chances are he gambles.

  (OLD TOM lifts up and rests the gramophone needle.)

  OLD TOM: So, what was so interesting about the list?

  TRENCH: Apart from the usual sundry items and substances, Ingredient X stood out like a… like a scar.

  OLD TOM: Ingredient X, the missing link, probably the reactive agent that has a spectacular effect on the heroin derivative to produce the super-drug, Skank.

  TRENCH: After I saw the delivery list, Finley seemed to want a word with me. After a few too many close calls, I didn’t want to hang around so me and my colleague fled Downtown.

  OLD TOM: Very wise. And did you see the person inside the shutter door, waiting for the delivery?

  TRENCH: I’m afraid not, it was too dark.

  (OLD TOM sups the last of his tea.)

  TRENCH: You’ve finished your tea.

  OLD TOM: Yes Trench, and I think our little investigation is almost over too.

  TRENCH: You do? Wait, I can nearly see the full picture, I just haven’t connected all the pieces.

  OLD TOM: Consider the fall of Skar, who profits from his death? Who never set foot inside the Centre? Who is the only person who can really orchestrate the source and supply of Skank? And the question of Avril’s brother could also be staring at us in the face.

  TRENCH: Right, before you say: ‘Think Trench, think,’ the mist is clearing – I’m beginning to see the full picture and I don’t like what I’m seeing, old timer.

  OLD TOM: Trench, you must go and share our findings with Sergeant Strong and the investigating team he is a part of…

  TRENCH: I will, but if I hurry, I can confront the power behind the pushes. Stare the Skull supplier in the face – I have to.

  (OLD TOM replaces the gramophone needle on the still-turning turntable.)

  Every town has them. Can we ever solve it? A few of us have to try.

  (TRENCH and DEBSY are walking briskly towards the entrance of the Centre.)

  DEBSY: Sergeant Strong and the police are already by the entrance of the Centre.

  TRENCH: Yes, and Stokeham’s finest seem to be stuck there.

  STRONG: She won’t let us in. I’ve called for back-up and a ram to smash open the door.

  TRENCH: Before you do anything so drastic, let me try. (He presses the buzzer on the intercom.) Avril, it’s me – please let me in.

  AVRIL: (From the intercom:) All right, but only you Trench – promise?

  TRENCH: I promise.

  (The door lock buzzes and clicks.)

  TRENCH: Sergeant, please let me have a few moments with Avril, then I will buzz you all in.

  STRONG: Most irregular, but agreed.

  (TRENCH opens the door.)

  TRENCH: Hey, Debsy – what are you doing? I’m supposed to be going in alone.

  DEBSY: I’m just here for moral support – just ignore me.

  TRENCH: That’s easier said than done.

  (TRENCH and DEBSY walk into the inner section of the Centre.)

  TRENCH: (Clearly shocked.) Avril, you are embracing another man.

  DEBSY: I told you, you would need me for moral support.

  AVRIL: This is Ley.

  TRENCH: I can see that.

  AVRIL: He is my brother, Tony.

  LEY: Hey, it’s Ley.

  AVRIL: All right, Ley then, is my long lost brother.

  LEY: But now I’m found, aren’t I sis?

  DEBSY: Oh Avril, you lied about your dingy, yacht thingy. I checked, and it belongs to you, entirely.

  AVRIL: What is she doing here?

  DEBSY: Me? Just pretend I’m not really here.

  TRENCH: And did you find your Skank Ley, as well as your sister?

  LEY: (Who taps his pocket.) Oh yes, this little lot will keep me going for weeks – hey, I may even sell some.

  TRENCH: So Avril, are you going to tell me you are the source of Skank that has dragged and drugged Downtown even further into the murky depths?

  AVRIL: What can I say, but I am sorry Trench. I did set up the School for Kicking Amphetamines with good intentions.

  TRENCH: They say the road to hell is paved with them…

  AVRIL: The Centre was intended to rehabilitate addicts, but I made an accidental and dramatic discovery. Whilst I was playing experimentally in the lab, I noticed that when certain chemicals were mixed with a heroin derivative, it had an extraordinary effect – it produced raw Skank.

  TRENCH: ‘Certain chemicals’, ingredient X, I presume.

  AVRIL: Yes. And although I never used Skank myself, it still took over my life. And the amazing highs transformed the lives of the addicts in Downtown.

  TRENCH: At a price.

  AVRIL: As I was the sole supplier of Skank, I could control the price. I am ridiculously rich, if that’s any consolation.

  TRENCH: And what of us, Avril? I think our relationship could have had highs higher than the most psychedelic trip.

  AVRIL: But I don’t think you could have coped with the awful lows, Trench.

  TRENCH: I’m going to let Sergeant Strong and his colleagues in now.

  AVRIL: Before they come into my centre to arrest me, please Trench, let my brother go.

  TRENCH: Separated again, so soon. All right.

  LEY: Laters, Avril.

  (LEY leaves the back way. TRENCH presses the buzzer allowing Sergeant STRONG and the police squad to swarm the Centre.)

  Whilst you wander there’s a complete culture coming yonder. Aaron and his brother. Scraping asunder. Here and there in every town.

  (OLD TOM slowly lifts the gramophone needle.)

  OLD TOM: Obviously, for our purposes it’ll have to be, ‘Avril and her brother. Finding one another’.

  TRENCH: Very clever. That reminds me, what was it that made you suspect Ley to be Avril’s brother?

  OLD TOM: Simply the names. Avril had named her lost sibling Tony – and you had met the shadowy addict, Ley.

  TRENCH: I feel a bit silly, but I still haven’t got it.

  OLD TOM: I deduced his real Christian name to be Leyton and both nick names can be derived from each half.

  TRENCH: Of course. (He lifts the tea pot up.) The pot’s empty.

  OLD TOM: So it is, young man. I may put another pot on later – or you can.

  TRENCH: I think the latter is more likely… Oh and Sergeant Strong informed me the main distributer stroke dealer of Skank was no ot
her than…

  OLD TOM: … Dods. Close your mouth Trench, and I’ll explain how I came to that conclusion. You always have to worry about the quiet ones. Dods was the ultimate invisible dealer for Avril. He never set foot inside the Centre. He used his puppet, Finley to do all the running around. Finley was his lap dog – not the other way round. And, of course, he was further hidden from view by the lurid figure of Skar – who became increasingly violent and talkative because of the lack of Skank – and that is why Dods murdered him.

  TRENCH: Brilliant old timer. But, courtesy of Sergeant Strong and the investigating team dubbed ‘Skull Squad’, I can tell you that Skar had been a key police informer for over a year.

  OLD TOM: There Trench, you can surprise me now and again.

  TRENCH: And when did you first suspect Avril of being the instigator of Skank?

  OLD TOM: Very early on, actually. I still needed more to go on, but I suspected Avril when you first told me of her name for the Centre, ‘School for Kicking Amphetamines’.

  TRENCH: No kidding!

  OLD TOM: Exactly. Simply combine the initials of the Centre’s name and your, and Avril’s initial reaction, ‘no kidding’.

  TRENCH: And you have S. K. A. N. K.

  OLD TOM: Add that to Avril’s brilliance in Chemistry…

  TRENCH: So, we may not have solved all Downtown’s drug problems but hopefully we have smashed Skank.

  OLD TOM: Yes, only Dods…

  TRENCH: Who’s now been arrested anyway.

  OLD TOM: … and Ley have the last of the dwindling supply – and with Avril out of the way, no more Skank.

  TRENCH: Oh, the team who are now taking over the Centre have worked out, from Avril’s notes, a Skank-substitute which should wean any remaining Skull-heads off the drug.

  OLD TOM: Good.

  TRENCH: Oh, and can I thank the armchair detective for wandering down the avenues and alleyways?

  OLD TOM: Now I don’t follow.

  TRENCH: But, maybe you did. Some sort of stick crucially diverted Skar’s aim when he first tried to kill me. Debsy found the rubber end-stop at the scene of the nearly crime. I noticed that your walking stick in the hallway is strangely missing its end.

  OLD TOM: Very observant of you, but purely coincidental, I venture.

  TRENCH: Have it your way, then.

  OLD TOM: And there’s finally, of course, the geographic clue.

  TRENCH: You’ve lost me there, Old Tom.

  OLD TOM: We have Skank, Skull, Skar and to a lesser extent, Skag. All have one thing in common, ‘s, k’ – which points to Skank originating in Stokeham’s Downtown.

  TRENCH: It does?

  OLD TOM: ‘SK’, it’s the first two letters of the postcode of Stokeham.

  TRENCH: What can I say, except that’s ‘SKary’!

  OLD TOM: I was sorry Avril was so heavily involved though. I know how much you liked her.

  TRENCH: I think we could have made beautiful music together, but the arrangement was probably a bit off key.

  OLD TOM: And talking of music, as much as I love it, I think it’s high time I changed the record.

  TRENCH: Yes, put something on completely different to take my mind off this whole murky business.

  OLD TOM: Now, let me see…

  (OLD TOM removes the record from his gramophone and flicks through his record collection.)

  OLD TOM: Ah, this one should be perfect.

  (OLD TOM places the record on the turntable and it starts to play.)

  You can pack up all you troubles and all your cares and go to… Downtown. Downtown…

  TRENCH: Thanks for that, old timer – just what I needed.

  CLOSING MYSTERY MUSIC

  Read more…

  Read Skar’s Skank Scourge, a ‘sideways glance’ which is intended to accompany and compliment this script in an original and thought-provoking way.

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