The Armchair Detective In London: Series Three Read online

  TRENCH: Although we did share a… err chamber in Castle Mandrake.

  SALLY-ANNE: Pardon? Castle who?

  DEBSY: Back to today. I’ll be starting my shift soon as a theatrical cleaner – can’t wait.

  SALLY-ANNE: So, what are we doing today, Trenchy?

  TRENCH: Well, we’ll give Debsy some time to settle in.

  SALLY-ANNE: I think you’ll be a natural, Debs.

  DEBSY: Thanks Salls.

  TRENCH: And I think then, Sally-Anne, we should go back to the theatre and see if there’s any truth in Lilia’s dramatic claims…

  SALLY-ANNE: Good thinking. Debs – dressing down for your ‘role’? Excuse me a minute.

  (SALLY-ANNE leaves the table.)

  DEBSY: I swear I’ll kill her – this is my normal outfit. What’s wrong with it, Trench?

  TRENCH: I’m taking the cowards way out – and saying nothing.

  (Comical music changes the scene.)

  TRENCH: So, Mr Turner – can we come in or not.

  TURNER: If it was up to me, no. The last thing this theatre needs is reporters snooping about. But, fortunately for you, I’m only the manager here, my star Lilia Towers wants you so, do your worst – and snoop!

  SALLY-ANNE: Thanks a lot. Do you… err enjoy being a theatre manager?

  TURNER: The Regency is my life.

  TRENCH: Been here a long time?

  TURNER: For over twenty years now.

  SALLY-ANNE: Wow. Just as a matter of interest, you understand, but who was your first shining star at the Regency?

  (TURNER begins laughing.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Sorry, did I say something funny?

  TURNER: I’m laughing at the irony, dear. The very first starlet at the Regency all those years ago was none other than Lilia Towers…

  (Mysterious music moves things along.)

  TRENCH: Come on, Sally-Anne – stop stalling in the stalls.

  SALLY-ANNE: (Says catching up.) Very unfunny. Oh, there’s the cleaning lady.

  TRENCH: You scrub up well, young err… girl.

  DEBSY: Thank-you, oh kind sir.

  SALLY-ANNE: Right, before anyone comes Debs – have you found anything out yet? Or heard any strange noises?

  DEBSY: Oh yes, I’ve heard many clanging sounds which consisted mainly of me struggling to prise the mop and bucket out of the cleaning cupboard.

  SALLY-ANNE: But nothing else?

  DEBSY: No, Sally – except I have actually found the person who’s been spooking Lilia Towers.

  TRENCH: Well, who is it? And then perhaps we can all go home.

  DEBSY: Clarence, the caretaker. The gentleman is besotted with Lilia. He’s over there, backstage – sorting things out. Have a word with him yourself, if you don’t believe me.

  TRENCH: Get on with your work, wench.

  DEBSY: I beg your forgiveness, Lord… Trench.

  SALLY-ANNE: Come on then ‘Lordy Trenchy’.

  (TRENCH and SALLY-ANNE climb the stage.)

  TRENCH: I can hear noises – he must be behind the curtain.

  (Moving the curtains aside, they delve backstage.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Clarence, can I ask what you are doing?

  CLARENCE: I’m polishing her chair in the Play. I must get everything right for Miss Lilia. She’s… she’s… perfect.

  TRENCH: Do you err like Lilia, Clarence?

  CLARENCE: What if I do? And who are you anyway?

  SALLY-ANNE: Oh, we’re err Lilia’s friends. She’s asked us to help her. Do you know who might wish her harm?

  CLARENCE: Hurt my darling Miss Lilia? That would be Mr Ralph – he jealous of me.

  TRENCH: I see, Clarence. Have you heard any odd sounds before evening performances, for example?

  CLARENCH: Certainly not – I spend that time in my little cubby hole, ready to answer my sweet Lilia’s call should she need me…

  (Reflective music closes the scene.)

  (We hear creaks as RALPH walks carefully across the stage.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Ralph Regents, I presume?

  RALPH: Who are you two? Oh, you’ll be those reporters Lilia wants…

  TRENCH: You don’t believe Lilia’s fears are justified?

  RALPH: Listen, I like Lilia as much as the next man. I mean, with a figure like that – who wouldn’t? But, on the quiet, she is a real diva.

  SALLY-ANNE: You mean the ‘me, me, me’ syndrome?

  RALPH: Exactly. What’s your name, by the way dear?

  SALLY-ANNE: Sally-Anne, dear. And married, well kind of.

  TRENCH: So Ralph, you think all this is simply down to Lilia’s attention seeking then?

  RALPH: Without a doubt. I mean, what have you got? Apparent strange noises only heard by Lilia.

  TRENCH: She’s also heard a mumbled conversation from persons unknown.

  RALPH: Big deal.

  SALLY-ANNE: What about her feeling that she’s being watched?

  RALPH: Wishful thinking?

  SALLY-ANNE: We have just observed you stepping very carefully across the stage – can we ask why?

  RALPH: You can ask, yes. Oh, all right – I was just practising my positions for the Play, if that’s fine with you? You know, The Country Motel.

  TRENCH: Eh, I’ve just thought – Ralph Regents at the Regency Theatre. Has a ring to it, don’t you think?

  RALPH: If you say so. Now, if you’ll excuse me?

  (RALPH carries on walking on the stage – away from them.)

  SALLY-ANNE: So, what do you think, Trench?

  TRENCH: I think that Ralph Regents doesn’t really ring true.

  SALLY-ANNE: You mean he likes Lilia more than he’s letting on?

  TRENCH: Possibly, and his excuse for treading the boards tentatively doesn’t make sense. The Play’s been on here for three weeks now.

  SALLY-ANNE: So why is he still practising his stage movements?

  TRENCH: Exactly, he should know them by now.

  SALLY-ANNE: Maybe he’s a slow learner?

  TRENCH: I somehow doubt it. Look, I can’t see Lilia but the manager is looking at us oddly.

  SALLY-ANNE: So, let’s circle him in the circle!

  TRENCH: Now that’s worthy of Debsy.

  SALLY-ANNE: Ouch.

  (They walk over towards TURNER.)

  DEBSY: Hey, wait a minute – I know I’m only a poor cleaner, but I am not invisible.

  TRENCH: What do you want, Debsy?

  SALLY-ANNE: We want to chat with Turner.

  DEBSY: I can see that – that’s why I need to tell you something.

  TRENCH: Well, go on then.

  DEBSY: I honestly don’t know why I bother.

  SALLY-ANNE: I didn’t know you did – I mean, thanks Debs, please share with us what you know.

  DEBSY: That’s better. While Turner’s been watching you two, I had a sneak round in his office and noticed a slight bulge in The Country Motel poster on his wall.

  TRENCH: Is this leading anywhere, Debsy?

  DEBSY: Yes, yes. Underneath the poster is a framed copy of his marriage certificate which dates back, wait for it, twenty years.

  TRENCH: Excellent, Debsy.

  SALLY-ANNE: Yes err… well done. But we’d better catch Turner before he scoots.

  (They dash off and DEBSY returns to her cleaning.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Mr Turner, have you been watching us?

  TURNER: I am the manger here – and it is my job to keep an eye on… strangers, shall we say.

  TRENCH: Do you like to watch people?

  TURNER: What do you mean by that?

  TRENCH: Oh, nothing…

  SALLY-ANNE: Oh, I am missing my boy, Luke – and my partner, come to that. Are you married, Mr Turner?

  TURNER: Yes, I… err was. I’m a widower.

  SALLY-ANNE: I’m sorry.

  TRENCH: Was she in the business, your wife?

  TURNER: Yes, she was a wonderful actress. Lauren’s only desire was to shine at the Regency.

  SALLY-ANNE: So, what happened?

 
; TURNER: I have work to do, even if you haven’t…

  (TURNER leaves the puzzled TRENCH and SALLY-ANNE.)

  (Reflective music changes the scene.)

  (DEBSY, SALLY-ANNE and TRENCH are walking through the busy West End.)

  DEBSY: Aren’t we going to be a bit early for this evening’s performance of The Country Motel?

  TRENCH: Err… yes, but that’s the general idea.

  SALLY-ANNE: You see Debs, the strange noises at the Regency only seem to happen in the hour before the show.

  TRENCH: So, we want to hear the noises for ourselves.

  DESBY: Wonderful – so I’m going to have to hang about out here for an hour while you two have all the fun?

  SALLY-ANNE: Yes, you’ve got it Debs.

  TRENCH: You’ll be sitting next to us for the Play.

  DEBSY: Gee, thanks. Are you sure you don’t mind being seen with a lowly cleaning girl?

  SALLY-ANNE: Yes, but we’ll get over it.

  (Off-key comical music changes the scene.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Well, we’re back being backstage.

  TRENCH: Yes. Isn’t it strange Sally-Anne, that all the dressing rooms are along this corridor, except Lilia’s who’s right around the corner?

  SALLY-ANNE: Maybe that’s because she’s the star. You know, kept a bit separate from the supporting players.

  TRENCH: Possibly…

  SALLY-ANNE: Hey, look at the floor – it looks like a trapdoor, but what’s a trapdoor doing off stage?

  TRENCH: It’s probably a maintenance shaft or simply storage, but I suppose we could take a look…

  (At that moment, a strange tapping sound can be heard.)

  SALLY-ANNE: What’s that strange tapping sound? And by my reckoning, it’s five minutes early.

  TRENCH: It’s coming from the end of the corridor – come on, let’s have a look.

  (They dash to the end of the corridor.)

  TRENCH: Clarence, what are you making that tapping noise for?

  CLARENCE: Oh, I’m checking the pipes.

  SALLY-ANNE: What for?

  CLARENCE: I am the caretaker, you know – it’s part of my job.

  TRENCH: All right. Do you know where Lilia Towers is right now?

  CLARENCE: My Miss Lilia will be in her dressing room of course.

  SALLY-ANNE: Thanks, Clarence.

  (They walk back down the corridor.)

  TRENCH: Let’s startle Lilia.

  SALLY-ANNE: Whatever for?

  TRENCH: I don’t know, are you game?

  SALLY-ANNE: I’m game.

  (Without knocking, they open LILIA’s dressing room door.)

  TRENCH: Lilia, Ralph – I’m sorry.

  (LILIA and RALPH awkwardly disentangle themselves from each other.)

  RALPH: Ever heard of knocking? No, I didn’t think so. I’ll be in my room darling, if you need me. (RALPH leaves.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Sorry again, Lilia – but we’re here to investigate those noises you claimed to have heard.

  LILIA: And they are due to start about now. Come outside my dressing room, and we should hear them.

  (They exit the dressing room.)

  TRENCH: Well..?

  LILIA: Shh, listen.

  (They listen carefully, and slowly an odd clanking and banging sound can be heard from the distance.)

  SALLY-ANNE: So you were telling the truth, Lilia?

  LILIA: Of course – you were unwise to doubt me.

  TRENCH: Evidently. We’re near this… err corner. Is this where you sometimes hear an unaccounted for mumbled conversation?

  LILIA: Yes, but as I said, that is completely random and is, of course, silent now. Right, I’m off to the stage – a walk on it before the show always gives me good luck.

  SALLY-ANNE: We’ll join you.

  (They walk towards the stage.)

  TRENCH: Lilia, you know when you say all err this is directed against you, is it because you feel you’re being watched?

  (LILIA stops walking.)

  LILIA: Come to think of it yes, yes there is someone. The person is somehow not in view, just on the edge of my peripheral vision… You know, you look to see – but there’s no one there when you do… (She starts walking again and reaches the stage. LILIA’s footsteps can be clearly heard as she walks along the wooden boards of the stage.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Err… break a leg.

  (We hear the stage trap door suddenly open. LILIA screams as she falls through.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Lilia!

  (Dramatic music changes the scene.)

  OLD TOM: Finish your tea, Trench.

  TRENCH: All right, I’m trying – it’s too cold! (He takes a sip.) What was this place used for during the war?

  OLD TOM: Many things. You probably know that Alan Turing did marvellous work at Bletchley Park at the time?

  TRENCH: Yes, he cracked the Enigma code, didn’t he?

  OLD TOM: Actually, the final breakthrough came here, at the Institute.

  TRENCH: You..?

  OLD TOM: I helped, but it was Mandrake who deciphered the last, stubborn key code…

  TRENCH: Well I never…

  OLD TOM: Now, back to business. Was Lilia hurt when she fell through the trapdoor?

  TRENCH: She sprained her ankle – several performances will have to be cancelled…

  OLD TOM: But was it an accident, or pre-planned malice?

  TRENCH: I’m sure I heard someone moving below stage.

  OLD TOM: So, the mystery is becoming more serious then…

  TRENCH: (Who finishes the last of his tea.) Do I get any cake for finishing my tea?

  OLD TOM: No. Conversation… conversation - Lilia claims she hears them around the corner from her dressing room.

  TRENCH: Yes..?

  OLD TOM: A conversation implies two distinct people, voices. Find out more, Trench.

  TRENCH: Of course Old Tom, I will…

  OLD TOM: And now let’s have another look at the suspects… Who is allegedly watching, if anyone at all? And if so, male or female?

  TRENCH: I can only think of males. There’s Clarence the caretaker – who’s clearly fixated with Lilia, who in turn is only interested in Ralph.

  OLD TOM: Hmm, was Clarence really only checking the pipes?

  TRENCH: Or starting the strange noised off? Is the lovelorn fantasist our phantom..?

  OLD TOM: And what about the manager, Turner? Where and how did Turner’s actress wife, Lauren die? Delve deeper Trench – it could be vitally important.

  TRENCH: And then there’s the leading man, Ralph Regents. Is he, as his name suggests, connected to the Regency Theatre? Is he pretending to like Lilia? I’m sure he was trying to chat-up Sally-Anne!

  OLD TOM: And was Ralph’s careful walk on the stage as innocent as he claimed, or was he checking that the trapdoor was in order..?

  TRENCH: Questions… questions…

  OKLD TOM: Although we are deep within the tube system now, Trench – I suspect that you may have to go underground to find some answers…

  (A longer piece of mystery music indicates the end of Act Two.)

  Act Three

  (We can hear background noises usually associated with a hotel café-bar.)

  SALLY-ANNE: My favourite coffee – thanks Trench.

  TRENCH: Pleasure. Now, what do you think of the case so far, Sally-Anne?

  SALLY-ANNE: I’m just relieved, that’s all.

  TRENCH: Now why’s that?

  SALLY-ANNE: I’ve just realised that Lilia Towers is absolutely nothing like the lusty legend, Darnia Storm.

  TRENCH: Yes, Darnia certainly liked you Sally, and as good as chased you to try and get it! I wonder what’s she’s doing now.

  SALLY-ANNE: Oh, by chance, I caught a report on her last month in the gossip columns. She’s apparently fallen in lust with an American film director and joined him over the Atlantic.

  TRENCH: How convenient…

  DEBSY: (Who arrives at the table.) It’s all right – you don’t have to stop talking ‘ca
use I’m here.

  TRENCH: We haven’t – we had just come naturally to the end of our conversation.

  DEBSY: And it’s okay, by the way – I’ve got my own coffee. Mind you, I am at least a hotel resident here.

  SALLY-ANNE: Anyway Trench, I tried to contact you earlier – where’ve you been all morning?

  DEBSY: Yes, I’d quite like to know too.

  TRENCH: I was… err having a chat with Old Tom, if you must know.

  SALLY-ANNE: I don’t know, some things never change.

  DEBSY: Did he do that with you Sall - sneak off whenever he feels like it, to see his beloved old friend?

  SALLY-ANNE: Yes, he did Debs – I never got to see him though - you?

  DEBSY: No, but I felt his armchair once – and it was warm!

  TRENCH: Right, now that you two are getting along finally – and I can get a word in edgeways: come on, let’s go back to the theatre and see if we can flush our phantom out!

  (‘Phantom of the Opera’ type music changes the scene.)

  SALLY-ANNE: So, Ralph – has Lilia made an appearance today? What with her injury?

  RALPH: Yes, she’s hobbling about somewhere.

  TRENCH: You were very lucky, weren’t you Ralph – that you didn’t fall down the trapdoor when you were on the stage.

  RALPH: Yes, I was very lucky – now, if you’ll excuse me?

  (RALPH leaves them.)

  TRENCH: Hello Clarence.

  CLARENCE: T’was a terrible injury to Miss Lilia. I should tend to my sweetheart.

  SALLY-ANNE: I’d leave her be, if I was you Clarence. Give her some quality time on her own.

  CLARENCE: If you say so.

  TRENCH: Have you been checking anyone’s pipes recently?

  CLARENCE: Only last night when I saw you – why?

  TRENCH: Oh, nothing…

  (CLARENCE shuffles away, but prominent footsteps herald the return of TURNER.)

  TURNER: Now listen, if all you are going to do is stop my staff from doing their jobs, then I think you should leave.

  SALLY-ANNE: As you well know, Mr Turner we are investigating complaints made by your star, Lilia – who wants us to stay.

  TRENCH: Yes Lilia, she’s been a leading actress for twenty years and began her stardom here at the Regency.

  SALLY-ANNE: So, did she know your late wife, Lauren?

  TURNER: Yes, they were friends…

  SALLY-ANNE: If I may ask, what did your Lauren die of?

  TURNER: She died of a broken heart. Now, I have work to do.

  (TURNER walks away. TRENCH and SALLY-ANNE also begin walking.)