The Armchair Detective On Holiday: Series One Read online

  (We hear the usual sounds of breakfast at a hotel, such as background conversations and the rattling of crockery.)

  TRENCH: Are you sure you’ve had quite enough breakfast, Sally-Anne?

  SALLY-ANNE: It’s the sea air – it gives me a healthy appetite. Anyway, I wasn’t the one who stuffed three sausages on my plate, Trenchy.

  TRENCH: At least I stopped short of eating a whole pig!

  SALLY-ANNE: Now you’re exaggerating. I assume you survived your clandestine meeting last night?

  TRENCH: Yes – but you couldn’t have been that worried or you wouldn’t have waited until now to ask me.

  SALLY-ANNE: I had the misfortune of bumping into Geoffrey at the hotel bar last thing. He said you called him from the window saying you were perfectly safe – what a shame. Geoffers didn’t say much else though, so who did you meet?

  TRENCH: More tea?

  (TRENCH pours the tea.)

  TRENCH: Hmm, lovely. Never underestimate the luxury of hot tea.

  SALLY-ANNE: I think we are becoming side-tracked here – now, who did you see?

  TRENCH: Old Tom himself, would you believe? Our friend is staying in a derelict guest house!

  (SALLY-ANNE nearly chokes on her tea.)

  TRENCH: He even had his armchair with him. Might have been a different one, though.

  SALLY-ANNE: Oh come on, nobody is going to take their armchair on holiday with them, are they?

  TRENCH: You don’t know Old Tom.

  SALLY-ANNE: And what did old Tommy say about the queer case of the Quinn brothers?

  TRENCH: Well, he agreed with us on two counts: he thought it odd that Constance didn’t move to protect her rather frail aunt.

  SALLY-ANNE: Yes, Constance seemed to actually enjoy putting Sarah on the spot. With family friends like that, who needs enemies..?

  TRENCH: And my friend was also surprised that ‘Aunt Sarah’ lived in such a sprawling and luxurious house with even a panoramic sea-view thrown in.

  SALLY-ANNE: Trench, you are not an estate agent by any chance?

  TRENCH: No – and Old Tom asked the natural question – where did she get the money from?

  SALLY-ANNE: Good question – anything else?

  TRENCH: Yes, the picture. He insisted on having another look at it.

  SALLY-ANNE: And..?

  TRENCH: Old Tom claims that everything comes back to the photograph. He thinks that there is a vital clue staring right at us.

  SALLY-ANNE: A vital clue to a fifty year-old mystery. Intriguing, isn’t it? But we still have conference this morning.

  TRENCH: Yes, but today we finish at lunchtime – and then…

  SALLY-ANNE: And then..?

  TRENCH: And then I think it’s time we had a good old wander around Fisherman’s Cove.

  (Mysterious music ends the scene.)

  (TRENCH and GEOFFREY are walking through the village. We hear seagulls and the odd car drive by.)

  GEOFFREY: I thought today’s conference was really interesting.

  TRENCH: You did? You really did? Yes, you would have done, Geoffrey.

  GEOFFREY: I think having a stroll through this quaint village is a super idea too though.

  TRENCH: Good-oh. I thought Sally-Anne was joining us?

  GEOFFREY: So did I, Trench – so did I. In fact, Sally of the Anne seemed to be coming to meet you, when she saw me and then walked in the opposite direction. I wonder why that was.

  TRENCH: I wonder… oh yes, she must have err forgotten something from the hotel.

  GEOFFREY: But she was walking away from The Sandy Star.

  TRENCH: Never mind that. Oh, by the way Geoffers – I wouldn’t mention ‘Sally of the Anne’ to her face – she hates it.

  GEOFFREY: Message received, accepted…

  TRENCH: …and understood – yes, I know. Right, from this vantage point we can see a few things.

  GEOFFREY: The harbour, the beach where you-know-who went God-knows-where.

  TRENCH: That’s actually quite good, Geoffrey.

  GEOFFREY: The adjoining headland; the forbidding grey sea. And turning round: the village of Fisherman’s Cove. I can make out the church, the local public house with The Sandy Star hotel in the background.

  TRENCH: Geoffers, have I ever told you that you’d make a wonderful tour-guide!

  GEOFFREY: No you haven’t – but I make an even better journalist.

  TRENCH: (Says quietly:) And modest too. (Then normally:) If you say so.

  GEOFFREY: So, where to now, boss? – in our efforts to find the Quinn brothers.

  TRENCH: I don’t think we are actually going to find them. Hide-and-seek games don’t usually last fifty years! But we might come across people who knew them – and what better place to start than the pub.

  GEOFFREY: Lead on Mac Duff.

  TRENCH: Geoffrey, have I ever told you..? No, never mind.

  (A brief interlude of music passes a bit of time.)

  (We hear GEOFFREY and TRENCH open the double-doors to the pub and then hear all the usual pub-type background noises inside.)

  TRENCH: You get the drinks in, Geoffers – I’ll have a pint of the local ale.

  GEOFFREY: Righto. (He goes to the bar.)

  TRENCH: And now to find someone who’s old enough to have possibly known the missing siblings. Ah - excuse me sir.

  OLD MAN: Yes, young man.

  TRENCH: (Says quietly:) Now, who does that remind me of? (Then talks loudly, in case the old man is hard-of-hearing.) Hello, I’m a journalist trying to take another look at the vanishing Quinns. May I ask if you knew them?

  OLD MAN: Before my time.

  TRENCH: (Says with incredulity:) Really?

  OLD MAN: You see, I only moved down here a mere twenty years ago.

  TRENCH: That explains why you didn’t know them then. Well, thank-you for your time.

  OLD MAN: You want Mad Jack.

  TRENCH: I do?

  OLD MAN: Yes, he was the brothers’ best friend – and went fishing with them everyday, I believe.

  TRENCH: And where can I find this Mad Jack?

  OLD MAN: Oh, he’s over there in the corner. He’s the one staring into space. Legend has it; old Mad Jack’s been like that since the day of the fisherman’s disappearance. He still speaks though - sometimes.

  TRENCH: Thanks, I’ll buy you a pint when you’ve finished that one.

  OLD MAN: Obliged.

  GEOFFREY: Drinks, as requested.

  TRENCH: You do have your good points, Geoffrey. Now, that gentleman over there, known as Mad Jack, actually knew the Quinn brothers. But as he looks a bit… a bit…

  GEOFFREY: …mad?

  TRENCH: Err, eccentrically challenged. We must tread very carefully, with great subtlety.

  (We hear them walk over to MAD JACK.)

  GEOFFREY: Greetings Mad Jack. You knew the brothers Quinn before they vanished in a puff of smoke, did you not?

  TRENCH: (Says slightly quietly:) Geoffrey, what did I say about being careful and subtle? This old sea-merchant isn’t going to respond to direct questioning like that.

  MAD JACK: That is so, me lad Geoff. I admire plain speaking. I knew the Quinns p’haps better than anyone else – and was prob’ly the last person to see them alive. Truth be told, never really got over it – that’s why I stare a lot – stare with real madness in thyne eyes.

  TRENCH: (Says more quietly to GEOFFREY:) Well played, Geoffers – your ‘subtle’ approach worked. (And then says more loudly:) You think the brothers are dead then, err Mad Jack?

  (The only response to TRENCH is silence.)

  TRENCH: (Says quietly again:) You ask him, I don’t think Mad Jack is speaking to me, for some reason.

  GEOFFREY: Jack, looking back, have you any idea at all, what happened to your fellow fisherman?

  MAD JACK: Smuggling – the brothers were up to their necks in it.

  TRENCH: I suppose we can’t have a Cornish fishing village mystery without it involving smuggling!

  GEOFFREY: What type of
smuggling? Oh, as you must have gathered from Trench’s mutterings, I’m Geoffrey – and this is err Trench.

  MAD JACK: I salute you Geoffrey. They smuggled the usual - I sometimes helped them – cigarettes and alcohol mostly. But, the day my friends disappeared all those years age…

  TRENCH: Fifty to be exact. Sorry, just trying to join in.

  MAD JACK: …yes, on that fateful day something different happened – not the usual smuggling or fishing even.

  GEOFFREY: What happened?

  MAD JACK: I’m getting to that. The brothers picked up somethin’ on the sea-wireless. A ship on its way back from Africa, The Schooner, had just sunk near the Fisherman’s Cove headland.

  TRENCH: Did they go to help the survivors? Sorry, you ask him Geoffrey.

  GEOFFREY: Did they..?

  MAD JACK: Not exactly. Apart from being fine fisherman, the Quinn brothers were accomplished divers – I think they went to search the wreck.

  GEOFFREY: And what did they find, Mad Jack?

  MAD JACK: I wouldn’t know – but I believe whatever it was cost them their lives. I nearly went with ‘em – and that’s what has always disturbed me. That’s why I stare a lot – stare with real madness in thyne eyes. I could’ve suffered the same fate as the brothers Quinn…

  (Doom-laden music changes scene and mood.)

  (We hear TRENCH walk along a village street.)

  SALLY-ANNE: (Who shouts:) Trench! Trench, over here.

  TRENCH: Got you, Sally.

  (TRENCH walks over to meet SALLY-ANNE.)

  SALLY-ANNE: Fancy meeting you here.

  TRENCH: Hmm, yes. It’s odd you suddenly turn up just after Geoffrey has left to return to the hotel.

  SALLY-ANNE: A pure coincidence.

  TRENCH: You don’t like Geoffrey, do you?

  SALLY-ANNE: It’s not that I don’t like him – it’s just that I can’t stand him. I don’t know. He just irritates the hell out of me, I suppose.

  TRENCH: Well Sally-Anne, I have some great news for you then.

  SALLY-ANNE: Has Geoffrey disappeared and the brothers Quinn turned up in some sort of bizarre swap?

  TRENCH: You can be very cruel sometimes. After speaking to Mad Jack, an old buddy of the Quinns, we’ve discovered – well Geoffrey did because for some reason, Mad Jack wouldn’t speak to me.

  SALLY-ANNE: Trench, I’m starting to get that sinking feeling so just tell me.

  TRENCH: All right. Fifty years ago, ‘The Schooner’ returning from Africa, and had that sinking feeling supposedly just near that headland.

  SALLY-ANNE: You’re kidding – you’re not kidding.

  TRENCH: Mad Jack has loaned us his boat from the harbour – and we’re going on a little boat trip.

  SALLY-ANNE: And where does Geoffrey come into all this?

  TRENCH: He’s helpfully gone to fetch his snorkelling gear – and wet suit. Geoffers is going to search the wreck.

  SALLY-ANNE: I suppose it’s my own fault for asking. Do you think he’ll find the brother’s remains down there?

  TRENCH: Stranger things have been uncovered on the sea bed but… Wait, there’s Constance – quick let’s cross the road.

  (TRENCH and SALLY-ANNE dash across the road.)

  TRENCH: Constance.

  CONSTANCE: Hello again.

  SALLY-ANNE: That’s a very smart outfit you’re wearing. (Then adds more quietly:) And expensive.

  CONSTANCE: What are you trying to say?

  TRENCH: To put it bluntly, we were wondering where your obvious wealth comes from.

  CONSTANCE: My allowance comes from Aunt Sarah.

  SALLY-ANNE: All right Constance – and where did Aunt Sarah inherit or receive all this money? If you don’t mind me asking.

  TRENCH: Win on the lottery, was it?

  CONSTANCE: Do you really think I would tell complete strangers of intimate family secrets – and upset my Aunt Sarah, the person who brought me up, even more than you already have done?

  SALLY-ANNE: What happened to your mother?

  CONSTANCE: She died giving birth to me. Now, any more intrusive questions, or can I go?

  TRENCH: Well…

  CONSTANCE: I was only eight when my father and uncle vanished – now I’m nearly sixty – and yes, I will answer even if it does upset Aunt Sarah, because I must find out what happened. I want to find out…

  (Solemn music changes the scene and time.)

  (We can hear the choppy waters of the sea, as the rowing-boat that TRENCH and SALLY-ANNE are on, is clearly rocking.)

  SALLY-ANNE: He’s been down there a long time.

  TRENCH: Worrying about Geoffers, are we Sally-Anne?

  SALLY-ANNE: It’s freezing on this boat – I just want to get out of here.

  TRENCH: The trouble with you, Sall, is that you don’t appreciate your surroundings. Look at the view of the headland – isn’t it truly..?

  SALLY-ANNE: There, Trench – that was a definite tug on the air-line.

  TRENCH: I think Geoffrey is ready to come up. Come on –pull.

  (We hear plenty of effort as TRENCH and SALLY-ANNE pull on the rope and then splashes, as GEOFFREY emerges from the sea.)

  SALLY-ANNE: The Creature from the Black Lagoon surfaces. Hello Geoffrey.

  TRENCH: Here, let me give you a hand.

  (TRENCH bungles GEOFFREY on board.)

  TRENCH: Well Geoffers, did you find the wreck of The Schooner?

  GEOFFREY: Yes, yes I did.

  SALLY-ANNE: And..?

  GEOFFREY: There’s not much left of the ship now, but I did find something.

  TRENCH: We’re listening, Geoffrey.

  GEOFFREY: Deep within the hull – I found this!

  (We hear GEOFFREY reach over the side of the boat and pull something out of the sea.)

  SALLY-ANNE: A safe!

  GEOFFREY: All we need to do now is crack it open.

  TRENCH: And then, maybe, we can find a real clue to this cryptic, Cornish conundrum…

  (Thought-provoking music ends the scene.)

  OLD TOM: Your tea should be cold enough by now, Trench. You may drink it.

  TRENCH: You are very kind, Old Tom.

  OLD TOM: How is it?

  TRENCH: Stone cold. Just right, I suppose. Your armchair is actually a lighter brown – it is a different one?

  OLD TOM: Correct. We all have to make sacrifices on holiday, Trenchy. And besides, it wouldn’t fit in my suitcase! Here, I’ll pass you one of my soft biscuits.

  (We hear OLD TOM stretch over.)

  TRENCH: Of course! That’s how you gave me the note detailing this err remarkable guest house. You must have slipped it inside my pocket when you reached over for my card. And thinking about it, you crafty old devil – I bet you knocked it out of my hand on purpose to divert my attention.

  OLD TOM: I am pleased to say that your deductive reasoning is improving, if only marginally.

  TRENCH: I’ll take that as a compliment – now where were we?

  OLD TOM: We touched on the subject of Sarah Quinn’s good financial fortune. Now, where did she receive such a tidy sum?

  TRENCH: Belatedly Constance informed us that her Aunt Sarah eventually received it from an insurance policy following on from her beloved brothers’ disappearance.

  OLD TOM: Now that just doesn’t ring true.

  TRENCH: Yes, polices only usually pay out on proof of death – but it’s been such a long time, they have probably been legally declared dead a while ago.

  OLD TOM: It’s not that, young man – it’s more the apparent size of the settlement – and the hotel you are staying at, ‘The Sandy Star’. An unusual name, don’t you think?

  TRENCH: If you say so – and what about the old brothers’ fisherman’s friend: Mad Jack? You know he’s that odd, he wouldn’t even speak to me – only Geoffrey.

  OLD TOM: Intelligent fellow, I’d say.

  TRENCH: Ouch! But Mad Jack admitted that he’s never been the same since the Quinn’s vanishing act. Now, is that because he killed them?
Has his guilt consumed his mind?

  OLD TOM: Madness is only a shipwreck away? A disturbing possibility…

  TRENCH: And what was the sunken ship, The Schooner carrying in that empty safe, as we discovered later?

  OLD TOM: Now, I think young Geoffrey could help you out there.

  TRENCH: Geoffrey, really? He has already – diving down to fetch the thing. I think though that there must be a smuggling connection, somehow.

  OLD TOM: Smuggling… Schooner… Sarah… Sandy Star… - there is at least a fair few ‘S’s connected to the strange events at Fisherman’s Cove.

  TRENCH: So, what now Old Tom?

  OLD TOM: I still think that it all comes back to the picture – I’ll take another look, if you don’t mind.

  (TRENCH hands OLD TOM the photograph.)

  OLD TOM: To solve this mystery, we need to discover the third person on the beach, on that fateful day fifty years ago.

  TRENCH: Woe, woe, woe old fellow – you’ve completely lost me there. How do you know there even was another person on the beach?

  OLD TOM: Look at the picture, Trench.

  TRENCH: I am. There are only the brothers – two of them. There is no one else.

  OLD TOM: Now, who do you think took the photograph?

  TRENCH: Of course – the critical question that has been in my hands all the time. And the even bigger mystery: why didn’t I think of that?

  OLD TOM: Find the third person, the person behind the camera, Trench – and then perhaps finally, we can have an answer to a question from so long ago, it has drifted into Fisherman’s Cove folklore: what became of the brothers Quinn?

  (Mystery music indicates the end of Act Two.)

  ACT THREE

  (We can hear that TRENCH and SALLY-ANNE are walking through the village of Fisherman’s Cove.)

  SALLY-ANNE: This morning’s conference is due to start in precisely five minutes.

  TRENCH: Stop worrying Sally. We’ll slip in round the back. I’m sure nobody will notice.

  SALLY-ANNE: That would be true, Trenchy – except that you are down to introduce one of the displays.

  TRENCH: No, that can’t be today.

  SALLY-ANNE: It is today Trench. I know because today is the last day of the conference. I think even Editor Law might just notice your absence on this occasion.

  TRENCH: Oh, I’ll bluff my way through it – but that does leave us with an even greater problem.